It’s a little ironic. I don’t know how many times I’ve talked about how I just really love the training for races more than the race itself. Fast forward to Friday evening (or flash back since it’s oh, Tuesday now) when my phone started blowing up on my way to the NYCM expo, and despite my best efforts, an overwhelming sadness filled my heart. Yes, I know the best decision was made. I don’t live in the tristate area, and I’ve never experienced a hurricane. I have absolutely no room to comment on the issue, and I don’t intend to. I do, however, know what it’s like to give everything you have into training for your first marathon, and not run it. And I do (finally) know that it’s okay. Ideal, no, but okay.
If I’m being 100% honest, I’m still feeling slightly down about the whole thing, and I feel guilty about feeling down when clearly people are suffering way more right now, but I can’t control how I feel, only how I deal with those emotions. It’s okay to feel disappointed, and to be honest, I knew I would come back from New York feeling down. I always get the post-fill-in-the-blank sadness after big life events, ie: my wedding, my first 1/2 marathon, even a little bit following Christmas and my birthday (you can judge me). I put a lot of build up and anticipation on these things, and when they’re over, I get sad. This one just didn’t end how I expected–or maybe it’s just not over?
I’ve thought a lot about what to do next. I’m trained to run a marathon. I want to run a marathon, like really really badly. Funny story, there’s not as many of those crazy things as one would think. In fact, there’s pretty much non coming up in Arizona for quite a while, and traveling isn’t really in the cards right now. I found a couple that I thought “Maybe I can make this work…”, and then I realized that this is my first marathon, and you only get one first marathon. I don’t want to jump into just any replacement race. I want to make the right choice, and that means waiting until RnR AZ in January when I can still go out and have my friends and family be there to cheer me on. I know that’s not what running is all about, but it’s just something I need for my first marathon, and that’s okay.
So I have 12 weeks to get faster, stronger, and even more ready. Hopefully along the way I will run some shorter distance races and maybe set some new PRs. I am really happy to have a new goal to focus on, and every day I am believing the voice in my head that says “Everything happens for a reason.” just a little bit more. Some amazing things still came out of this trip, and I can’t wait to tell you about running in Central Park on marathon morning, but that is a story for an other time. Right now, I will leave it at: I am still sad, but I’m okay, and I’m refocusing on training and preparing for my first marathon in January.
Thanks to everyone who sent me texts/emails/phone calls/tweets/etc. I felt really loved, and I really needed it. I am so ridiculously lucky, and I honestly still kind of feel like I did it. Running a marathon isn’t about that one day; it is about the months you spend working toward your goal. For 20 weeks, I prepared myself to run 26.2 miles, and although that day I ended up running less than half of that, I gave my heart to that goal for 20 weeks, and one day doesn’t change or define that process. Onward.
Your post is inspiring. I can imagine that it was such a difficult position to be in, and you are 100% right that it’s okay to be disappointed. I can’t wait to hear about what you ultimately did on race day and I know you’re going to “rock” the race in January. Thinking of you!
Onward is right! Such a bummer about the NYC marathon, but just glad that everyone is safe and sound. I know that you’ll rock it out in January!
You are awesome and your honesty is appreciated. The runners who say there weren’t even a little sad for their own selfish reasons can’t be serious. I know how much work goes into training for a marathon and I am 110% with you on feeling letdown after big events (I’m glad you are weird too)…the whole event and the way it was handled was really shitty -it should have never even been a thought to have the race at all. Keep your chin up, and come run TheFiesta Bowl Half with me, I’m going to wear Holiday socks and everything! 😉
I highlighted this line while I was reading this post: “or maybe it’s just not over”. I know it probably seemed like you knew the beginning, middle, and end of this story, but life just doesn’t work that way. You never know your story until you have lived it. Think of this as a dramatic plot point to build suspense when you’re telling people about this years down the line. You’re going to have an ending you can be proud of. I say that with absolute certainty because I know that you’re going to keep fighting till you accomplish it. It’s coming. Don’t worry.
You have every right to be disappointed!! It’s a crap situation all around!! Like the others I really admire your honesty and willingness to share your perspective!! Thank you and best of luck pushing fwd!!! Spa <3
Oh man! I know how it feels to miss a race due to injury, but never because it was cancelled. I love your attitude and using this time to get even better!
And as others said, you shouldn’t feel bad at all about being disappointed – it’s only natural!
It’s totally acceptable to be disappointed. I would have been crushed – so I admire you for keeping it together like a strong woman!
But we will rock out those 26.2 miles on January 20th and you WILL get your race. And it will be glorious!
You are so brave—and this was such an inspiring post!
Cheers to you having such a positive outlook. So often that’s not easy. I can identify with the “let down” after big events since I’m totally guilty of the same experience for darn near everything I’ve done in my life. No matter what I do I try not to get my expectations up, but it always happens. Eh well. Here’s to a fantastic 12 wks of preparing for your first!
Ari. What a gorgeous post and it’s wonderful how honest you can be with your feelings. I would feel very down right now if I were you as well – but I am loving your positive outlook on it all. this is NOT the end and you will get there someday. Just keep your chin up. Thinking about you! Keep working hard – Jan will be here before you know it!
I honestly feel like I still ran it, too! It was an amazing experience to be there. I’m even more excited and motivated to cross that finish line now that I’ve been through the chute. I’m so glad I met you- you’re an inspiration with your can-do attitude. 😀