I did not wake up in a good mood today. I don’t think it’s because I had a bad race yesterday. I tried to change it. I went on a bike ride with Nicole. I made a game plan for the day. I knew I was going to be tired, and I knew I didn’t feel like the best version of myself, but I also knew I had to push through it. Then I checked my email, got upset over something that shouldn’t have upset me, went to make breakfast, and it was like everything built up and hit me all at once.
The truth is, I haven’t felt like myself since I got back to Phoenix. I came home from Hawaii, and jumped into work the next day. I know that I had a week vacation that I spent in Hawaii, and I should have come back feeling all relaxed and ready to go, but I didn’t. I came back after 2 months away, and felt totally unprepared for my life–starting work, raising money, choosing material, and even spending time with friends and family. I feel like I jumped right back into a big puddle of expectations, and expected myself to stay afloat, but I just keep sinking. That was dramatic. I’m not drowning, but I’m just not myself.
Every time I start to feel overwhelmed, my immediate response is to beat myself up for not being better at dealing with it. I have friends that pile way more onto their plate (seemingly) than I do, and they still manage to be totally awesome, and pick me up when I feel down (Molly and Emily, I’m looking at you). I beat myself up for not being more like them, which is totally counterproductive and silly. Why would I want to be like someone else (no matter how awesome they are) when I can be like me? Silly.
Somehow, however, I managed to take a step back and look at what I’m doing–the big picture. In the last year, I have consistently stacked shows on with overlaps and no breaks. This is AWESOME! I LOVE that I’m getting work and I LOVE my job. So so so much. I have been so thrilled and honored to have opportunities, that if I’m offered a choreography or directing opportunity, I snatch it up without hesitation. It’s so good to have work in my field. The thing is, I shouldn’t have taken on 2 shows (1 that I’m directing and choreographing) at the same time as my marathon. I’m sure some people can do this, but some people also don’t work 6 other jobs while trying to raise $5000. I know I can do all of these things, but I don’t know that I should. Just like I tacked on an out of town race this last weekend because I wanted so badly to PR that it didn’t matter that I’d only been home for 2 weeks and was behind on everything. I always end up thinking I’m superwoman and can do everything, and then I spread myself too thin, and end up feeling like I’m failing at everything.
I don’t mean this post to sound whiney, or debbie downer. I know things will get better, and I know that I’m still learning a lot about balance. For the first time in my life, I have something that I’m passionate about beyond theatre, and the reality is it’s a challenge to balance cooking and running into this mix of theatre jobs that I have. I keep saying I want to focus on just working one or two places so I can give more of myself and my focus, but then I keep saying yes to every offer I get, all while I sign up for extra races because “I really want to, and I know I can make it work!” News flash self: You can do anything, but not everything. I’ve heard that quote before, and it always resonated with me. An over achiever working in a competitive field, with a running obsession filled with probably way too much self competition and comparison to others.
I’ve got a lot to learn, but I’m excited to learn it. I’m excited to find the day where I have achieved balance, and not because a 9-5 schedule gave it to me, but because I have created it for myself. I can’t wait for the day where I value my own worth so much that I can turn things down, and know more opportunities will come; when I can feel purposeful without an overflowing schedule filled with people to please. I know it will happen, and I know I am getting closer. I just need to be patient, breathe, and find a way back to that best version of me that I’ve been missing lately.